How To Become a Lady who Lunches

On my way to Draegers to get lunch today, I ran across the plethora of carefree women enjoying their spinach salads and diet cokes...women that are the staple of Bay Area living at is finest. These women -- all sitting, laughing, enjoying the beautiful weather together who do not have a care in the world-- are simply known as the Ladies Who Lunch (LWL).

As I scurried back to my car rushed to get back to work, I pondered how these women were so carefree and how could I be a part of it? You have to hand it to them, sitting there in front of that deli eating their gourmet south beach approved salads while their nannies tend to the children, no work, no worries…it could be a life that I can get accustom to.

After years of working in the Palo Alto/Los Altos area and having to endure a many a run in with these mystical creatures, I think I have finally broken the code on how to become part of this secret society.

Below, my take on how to become part of the LWL.

1. Marry rich or be born rich, then marry rich. There are no if ands or buts about it. Lauren by Ralph Lauren, Pottery Barn and daily nonfat lattes don’t come cheap and if you intend not to work you need to have a financial backer, or as my boyfriend would say “funding.” The caveat, you have to start shopping at stores like Ralph Lauren and Pottery Barn exclusively.
   
2. Quit your job. Planning the wedding is always a good excuse to quit your job due to being “overwhelmed” with the matrimonial plans. Then continue your state of unemployment under the guise of “trying to get pregnant.” You can hide your BC pills in a drawer ala Nicki in Big Love if you want to buy some time.
   
3. Have two to three kids. Kids are the key ingredient to becoming a LWL. Names like Tyler, Emma, Bethany or Porter are good. You could also take the celebrity route and name your kids after random crap like fruit (is Kiwi taken by anyone?). Names like Chuck, Billy Bob or Tankeray are bad, very bad.
   
4. Get a nanny. A nanny who speaks a language other than English is good, a nanny who speaks a language other than English that you cannot understand is better, a nanny who speaks to your child/children in a language other than English that you cannot understand but they can is best.
   
5. You have to be willing to spend time in an outdoor coffee shop discussing the latest and greatest in feel good books. Once, while waiting for my own funded nonfat latte, I overheard an animated LWL on the divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood. I am not sure if those ya yas were really that divine or not (maybe Dr. Reys would approve), all I know is that those ladies were drop dead serious in formation of their own sisterhood.
   
6. Groom early and groom often. The perfectly pressed kahki shorts and polos, immaculate ponytails, and well placed “day” makeup regardless of the time of day are essential to get the look of a LWL.
   
7. Own one or more of the following branded hang bags…Dooney Bourke, Kate Spade, Coach and of course LV…the ultimate look of LWL wealth. Special props to anyone sporting the beloved Murakami bag as a diaper bag...very SJP of you.
   
8. Belong to a charity board, particularly a board that gets its fundraising parties featured in San Francisco Magazine or 7x7. I hear the foundation for the beautification of downtown Los Altos is looking for applicants.

With these tools in hand you are on your way to becoming a certified Cayenne driving, house in the hills LWL and leaving behind the littleness that is work...see you at Draegers.